My version of events!

I have been told that I can, note that, CAN, write my version of our hay making escapades and events over the weekend. I came home from work on Friday having had a shouting match with a Council customer who objected to having to pay $300-00 + $150 registration for each of his three dogs. He repeated himself so many times that I eventually said, " Ok, I've heard all of this from you several times and, it is exactly what you said to me on the phone the other week. Has anything changed?" The answer was yet more senile ramblings along the same line and I'm sorry, I lost it. I shouted at the poor chap that he had had his turn and he was now going to listen to me. Not very correct perhaps but it did make me feel better. Anyway, I digress. I came in and saw as I drove up the drive that the contractors hadn't been to bale up the hay. I muttered oaths under my breath as I walked into the house and then the dogs ran out from the kitchen woofing and excited. The tractor must have been right up my backside as I turned into the drive and I hadn't noticed it. Oh well, all forgiven, I binned the boys up and wandered down to see what the score was. Ian our neighbour was doing his stint on the baler and after a quick word about the quantity and apologies for not having been able to come sooner he got to work and I decided to move Octavia as she was due to farrow any moment. I had noticed a bit of blood around her nether regions earlier and eventually got her apart and esconsed in the pen. Bridget texted me to ask if the baler had been just as I was going for my phonre to alert her. Blow me down if she wasn't there about half an hour later. Pushing it a bit I thought. No, she had been in Cambridge anyway. It was far too hot to pick up bales but as Ian finished, I took the Beast and the trailer down anyway. 333 Bales all dooted around the paddock and Ian giving me a wry smile. I asked him just how did these machines tie knots? Anyhow I got the run down on how they worked and I was very happy. Briggsy, do you know how they work? I wait for the girls to get in from school and wanted to move the sheep so as to have a clear run through the paddocks to bring the hay in. Ian agreed to me putting the sheep in the yards and I had a couple to treat for fly strike anyway. So with that done, we waited for Michelle to get home so we could start.

Right, now the trouble begins! Bridget and I went down towards the paddock and waited for M and the girls to follow. Well, we got bored with the wait and went down. As we went into the first paddock, I decided to check out the sow which had been nesting. Just as I was about to plough on, I noticed some movement at the far end beyond where she was laying. Closer inspection, revealed an ickle piggy snuffling about her ear trying to get a drink. A second then emerged and a third. Octavia took a break and Bridget and I wanted to press on. It wasn't to be, M and the girls turned up and we had to wait making all the right noises. Eventually, we managed to make the late comers see that there was an alteria motive for being in the vicinity, namely picking up hay.

Lots of slog loading up our small trailer and trying differnt combinations to get the most on. It was similar to the Krypton factor. I jumped into the boot and Bridget travelled in comfort up by Michelle. I can be a gentleman see. The journey around the paddock to get across the drive and thence to the barn is fraught with obstacles. Dead tree stumps the size of mountains etc deep ruts on the drive and adverse cambers in the paddocks. Michelle thought it best to drive at her usual speed. Flat out with me being thrown about and hay bales threatening to bbe dispersed to the four winds. "Slow down, steady on etc etc " Well, I got an ear bashing for trying to teach my grandmother to suck eggs. I don't usually make comments about Michelle's age but on this occassion, she deserved it! She was driving like an old wrinkly. By that I mean being totally oblivious to the conditions. Then there was the reversing of the trailer. Not too bad first time, more later. Bales secured and ship shape, we took off back to the paddock. Bridget took the wheel. I was concerned at this point. Bridget has a penchant for testing the suspension by putting growing trees on the boot and turning 360's for fun. Anyhow, loaded up and back to the barn. First off, the tight left around the stump. 9 out of 10. A bit of a wobble but nothing to write home about. Next the ruts. 10 out of ten. very slow but steady progress ensured that there was no way the bales were going to shift. Compliments to the driver from the back and a sulking wife. Bridget, you should have played your joker on that one. Now the adverse camber. Not a wobble. Michelle shouting at me that she isn't going to drive at all.

Alice then bold as brass announces that she is going to drive this time. A heap of bales went on whilst Michelle of all people tried to explain the rudiments of driving to Alice. Now Alice, much as I love her as my daughter is a bit, how shall we say, daft, dumb, blonde! Michelle thought she was teaching herself. No mention of the brake. Remember that one in a mo'. Bridget climbed onto the second or third layer of bales and as I bent to pick up about number fifty bale, YeeeeeeeHa! The Dukes of Hazard could not do better. She took off and Bridget looked like Ben Hur the way she rode the trailer. Alice was looking panicky and screaming from the window with her face drawn by the G force upon it. The truck leapt over the hay bales but as luck would have it didn't burst the strings. Alice eventually trod on the right pedal and stopped the truck dead and stalled it. The tears started and Bridget calmly jumped down and picked up the squashed bale. Michelle looked in shock and then jumped in with Alice as she started the motor again. I'll give Alice that, she does at least try. With a reminder as to which one the brake pedal was, Alice continued on round whilst the last of the load was put on. Then M took over again. Full speeed aheeeaad. Two bales off just after the tree stump, not a good trip this one. No joker was played and more mutterings came from the back. The reversing was awful and to be fair, M doesn't like doing it. Next time round, it was Bridgets turn and she did remarkably well. The comments then became more akin to goading galley slaves to row faster toward ramming speed. That was definately it, Michelle was not driving again (she did). Richard and Robyn and the girls turned up to help later and I played an evil trick on Robyn. Sorry Robyn, I couldn't resist it. We have a very steep bank behind the house and as Robyn got in, she was obviously worried as to how we were going to get down. I drove straight for the drop and bless her, there was a hint of panic as she lept from the vehicle saying that she would really rather walk. I then completed the turn and headed down the gentle slope toward the gate at the bottom. I'd best stop here but my deepest thanks go to Bridget, the whole Scott family and of course my own wife and, grudgingly, children. It made the work much easier with you guys around. I'm sorry that you didn't enjoy the Thai curry, I did. Anyway, If I go on any longer, no-one will read this epic. Take care all, off to watch Billy Connelly. Night night.